Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Wounded by the Whys

Hi friends.
Apart from posting my monthly "Letter To Our Little", I haven't posted on here in a while. Honestly, talking about anything but my daughter just hasn't really seemed valid or important. I feel like there has been a cloud hovering over me since my dad's passing. A cloud full of fear, doubt, anxiety, frustration, chaos, misunderstanding. A cloud full of all the things that make you question your life. Question your purpose.
A cloud of WHYS.
My dad's accident tore open a giant wound of whys. It has now been over a month since it happened, and I am still struggling with the whys. Why now? Why him? Why would God do this? Doesn't He know that having a present father in my life is all I have ever wanted? Hasn't He heard my prayers? Hasn't he caught my tears as I have cried and prayed that my dad would one day choose me? Choose us?
About 2 years ago, I felt like my dad was finally pursuing me as his daughter. Like he was finally proud of me and enjoyed being with me. Watching him play of the floor of my living room with my baby girl was a dream of mine that I never thought I would have the opportunity to witness, but it was happening! Finally! Almost every week! My heart was FULL.
Then my dad was gone.
No more daddy hugs. No more daddy kisses. No more "Lunch this week, darling?" texts.
I would never again wait on my front porch with Kennedy so she could see her Pawpaw pull up in the drive way for his weekly visit. I would never again feel his scruffy mustache on my cheek as he kissed me. I would never again feel the warmth of his hugs as he held me so tight. Just like that, he was gone.
My mom is one amazing lady and was relentless with us growing up. She worked tirelessly to make sure that we had the best upbringing possible. She was a single mom and had to be both mom and dad all the time. She is probably more loving, caring, and present than some parents combined, and my heart is beyond grateful and blessed by her daily.
But a girl sometimes just needs a daddy...and unfortunately this need never goes away no matter how much of a rockstar your mom may be. It's just natural.
I feel like I am in a season and feeling very frustrated, very angry, and just not totally understanding the God that I serve. I just have so many whys and I am having trouble understanding why God gives us what seems like the desire of our hearts, only to rip it out from our eager, anticipating grips.
Then I remember that we serve a God that does not promise understanding, but does promise to be faithful and to never give us more than we can handle.
I feel like I am pretty good at slapping a smile on my face and talking in a really nice, high pitched voice when in reality I am crumbling inside.
Talking about cupcakes when all I can think about is why God allows babies to be born, only to take them back hours, days, or months later.
Writing about cinnamon rolls when I am all but consumed by thoughts and prayers for my sister in law who is locked in from a stroke and can no longer play with or hold or talk to her 3 precious babies.
Laughing with friends about scenes in Pitch Perfect 2 when all I can think about is maybe, just MAYBE, if the driver that hit my dad was paying a little bit more attention to the road, my dad would still be here.
I have learned that these whys can become wounds, and Satan used these whys to make you question your faith, your purpose, our King and his much much much bigger plan.
A plan that my very small, selfish mind can't seem to understand sometimes.
Let us not be wounded by the whys. Let us be brave and fierce in our love for others.
Happy Wednesday, sweet friends. You are loved.


Monday, June 8, 2015

A Letter to Our Little: One Year Ago Today...

To my precious Kennedy Harper Steck,

One year ago today, in about one hour exactly, our lives changed forever.

After a long, and a little scary 3 days of labor, you finally made your beautiful debut.

You made me a momma.

With each month, I learned more about you and you learned more about me.

We had our days when I wasn't understanding you and you weren't understanding me. 

Those days were hard, no doubt. 

But I quickly realized that the hardest day with you was still a million times better than any day before you.

With each day that passed, you became more confident, more girly, a little more sassy, and 100% Kennedy.

The day I had you, I realized that my life from that moment on would be consumed by you in the very best way possible.

I would pray relentlessly for you. I would weep over you because my love for you was so deep and all-consuming.  I would want to protect you and fight for you no matter what the cost.

I would give countless kisses to someone I had just met...yet seemed like I knew forever.

I would watch you look more like your Dada, but then a little more like me, and be reminded that you are 100% us.

You are what we dreamed of and prayed for for 5 years, and for a while we weren't sure if we would ever have the blessing of you in our lives.

But the Lord was faithful, and His timing was perfect.

Even on my darkest, coldest days, you are light...and warmth...and beauty.

The magenta line across my tummy is a daily reminder of our story, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

 You are my precious daughter, and I am honored to be your momma.

Happy 1 year, my princess. Your momma and dada love you more than you will ever understand. 

Life with you is GOOD.

1 Samuel 1:27-28


Thursday, May 14, 2015

A (Belated) Letter To Our Little: 11 Months

To my precious Kennedy Harper,

Last Friday marked your 11th month. We are now on the fast track to your big 1 year milestone.

How in the world did we get here.

You are busy busy busy and will only sit still if I give you my iPhone, paper, turn on Curious George, or feed you cottage cheese mixed with avocado.

You still love your doggies and now make an "ARF!" sound when you see them.

They are still very committed to helping you eat your meals.

Your crawling skills aren't pretty, but you get to where you want to be.

If an inch worm and a seal had a baby, I would imagine that you would mimic each other getting from place to place.

You also have a new found love for strawberries, which makes you smell like cotton candy all the time.

I don't hate it.

You bring me so much joy, even on the darkest of days.

This last week was the hardest, most painful week of my life.

Last Monday night, we lost your Daddy.

He bought you this beautiful yellow dress a few weeks ago, just because.

He loved you so much.

You were the twinkle in his eye, sweet girl.

He snuggled, cuddled, and kissed you every chance he got.

He pursued you and desired a relationship with you.

He wanted to support you and see you succeed.

He loved watching you grow.

He loved buying you little stuffed animals and frilly dresses.

He never let me eat the raw stuff during our weekly sushi dates when I was pregnant with you.

After you were born, he came over almost every week to see you and play with you while I gobbled up the hot lunch he always brought me.

He protected and couldn't get enough of you.

You were his "Little Finkie".

It is incredibly hard not to mourn the moments that we will miss out on now that he is no longer in our lives, but I am thankful that he knew you and you knew him.

I am thankful that I was able to see him love you unconditionally.

I am thankful that your Pawpaw was the best version of my dad I have ever experienced.

I am thankful that we have a Daddy, a Pawpaw, in the King whom we serve.

Thank you Lord, for allowing us these sweet moments with Pawpaw. You are faithful when my faith is weaning and you are strong when I can't seem to pick myself up.

Happy 11 months, to our Little Finkie. You are loved more than you will ever know.

"I am God, and there is no one like Me,
declaring the end from the beginning,
and from ancient times things which have not been done,
saying, ‘My purpose will be established,
and I will accomplish all My good pleasure."
Isaiah 46:9-10


Monday, April 13, 2015

Family Monday: Food, A Hard Run, & My Sugar Addiction

Hello friends! 

How was your weekend? Ours was filled with great family time, way too much food, and a really hard run.

My wonderful mom watched our little peanut last night so I could go on a date with this guy. We have a new restaurant in our 'hood called Local Pour, so we decided to try it out at the last minute. It was AMAZING. The food, drinks, service, atmosphere, everything was top notch. 

I just love one on one time with this guy and crave time with him. We don't get to go out just the two of us very often, so when we do it is quite a treat!

Another weekend nom worth mention was this golden platter of goodness from Raising Cane's. We were out running errands on Saturday and around 1:30 decided that we needed some midday fuel. With a very sleepy baby in the car, we decided to forgo nutrition for something quick and delicious and this stuff did not disappoint.

Sometimes you just gotta go for the fried stuff :)

Speaking of food that is not so good for you, my sugar consumption is out of control lately. Between the Easter holiday and just my overall obsession with baking almost every day, we have cookies, ice cream, candy, you name it at our house right now. 

It is crazy how addictive sugar is! 

I truly feel like I would have to lock myself in my room with only sugarless food items for a week in order to truly give up sugar. How do people do it??? goals.

But on the upside, we have been giving our BOB a run (literally) for it's money lately! This little gal LOVES to run and I could not be more thankful.

I have said it here 1,000 times that running is most definitely my happy place, but there was about a 10 minute period yesterday when it was SO NOT my happy place. I was huffing and puffing while pushing this little 20 pounder UP and a hill, INTO a headwind. For about a mile.

Holy miserable pants.

Major points to all the mommas out there who jog while pushing a double stroller. I can't even wrap my head around that situation.

Anyway, Happy Monday sweet friends! Thanks for popping in! I hope you have a great week and know how much you are loved! Let's go love on people!


Thursday, April 9, 2015

A Letter to Our Little: 10 Months

To my precious Kennedy Harper,
You are officially 10 months old. I truly feel like I blinked and another month went by.

Everyone told me that life with you would fly by but I really had no idea how fast it would go.
Pretty crazy.

You are still our super sassy but incredibly cuddly Kenny. I must admit, I kind of like your sassy side because it confirms that you are indeed my child.

Your Mumzy continues to remind me that I am going to have my hands full, but I think daddy is really the one who will have his hands full.

You love to eat on your own and have a tiny meltdown everytime I try to help you, but I get it.
No one likes to have sweet potato and broccoli shoved in their face.
Your daddy always "flies" your food to you, which you think is awesome and now try to fly things to yourself all the time...including your monthly milestone stickers that have no hope of staying on anymore.

You are standing up all on your own as long as you have a backboard to bounce off of and step your feet like a champ when we walk with you.

We breezed right over that whole taking a bottle thing, so why not breeze right on over crawling, too?

You now have a keen interest in the monitor that hangs on your crib and we crack up while watching you wiggle and roll your way down the length of your bed, determined to reach your prize.
You would have done great on Legends of the Hidden Temple if you were a 90s kid.
You are waking up in the middle of the night less and less for snacks, which is both very exciting but a little uncomfortable for both of us. You wake up now with your diaper sagging down to your knees and my boobs feel like cantaloupes.
But hey, I'm not complaining.
I've stopped putting the milk in the pantry and the ice cream in the refrigerator, so we basically all win when we get a full nights rest :)

In two months you will be one year old and I hardly know what to do with myself.
I treasure you, sweet girl. You fill my heart with more joy than I could have ever imagined. I love you so much it hurts.

Happy 10 months, Kenny girl. Your mommy and daddy think you're pretty great.

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