Apart from posting my monthly "Letter To Our Little", I haven't posted on here in a while. Honestly, talking about anything but my daughter just hasn't really seemed valid or important. I feel like there has been a cloud hovering over me since my dad's passing. A cloud full of fear, doubt, anxiety, frustration, chaos, misunderstanding. A cloud full of all the things that make you question your life. Question your purpose.
A cloud of WHYS.
My dad's accident tore open a giant wound of whys. It has now been over a month since it happened, and I am still struggling with the whys. Why now? Why him? Why would God do this? Doesn't He know that having a present father in my life is all I have ever wanted? Hasn't He heard my prayers? Hasn't he caught my tears as I have cried and prayed that my dad would one day choose me? Choose us?
About 2 years ago, I felt like my dad was finally pursuing me as his daughter. Like he was finally proud of me and enjoyed being with me. Watching him play of the floor of my living room with my baby girl was a dream of mine that I never thought I would have the opportunity to witness, but it was happening! Finally! Almost every week! My heart was FULL.
Then my dad was gone.
No more daddy hugs. No more daddy kisses. No more "Lunch this week, darling?" texts.
I would never again wait on my front porch with Kennedy so she could see her Pawpaw pull up in the drive way for his weekly visit. I would never again feel his scruffy mustache on my cheek as he kissed me. I would never again feel the warmth of his hugs as he held me so tight. Just like that, he was gone.
My mom is one amazing lady and was relentless with us growing up. She worked tirelessly to make sure that we had the best upbringing possible. She was a single mom and had to be both mom and dad all the time. She is probably more loving, caring, and present than some parents combined, and my heart is beyond grateful and blessed by her daily.
But a girl sometimes just needs a daddy...and unfortunately this need never goes away no matter how much of a rockstar your mom may be. It's just natural.
I feel like I am in a season and feeling very frustrated, very angry, and just not totally understanding the God that I serve. I just have so many whys and I am having trouble understanding why God gives us what seems like the desire of our hearts, only to rip it out from our eager, anticipating grips.
Then I remember that we serve a God that does not promise understanding, but does promise to be faithful and to never give us more than we can handle.
I feel like I am pretty good at slapping a smile on my face and talking in a really nice, high pitched voice when in reality I am crumbling inside.
Talking about cupcakes when all I can think about is why God allows babies to be born, only to take them back hours, days, or months later.
Writing about cinnamon rolls when I am all but consumed by thoughts and prayers for my sister in law who is locked in from a stroke and can no longer play with or hold or talk to her 3 precious babies.
Laughing with friends about scenes in Pitch Perfect 2 when all I can think about is maybe, just MAYBE, if the driver that hit my dad was paying a little bit more attention to the road, my dad would still be here.
I have learned that these whys can become wounds, and Satan used these whys to make you question your faith, your purpose, our King and his much much much bigger plan.
A plan that my very small, selfish mind can't seem to understand sometimes.
Let us not be wounded by the whys. Let us be brave and fierce in our love for others.
Happy Wednesday, sweet friends. You are loved.